The illusion of knowing someone

By Fiifi Nettey

People often assume they know others simply because of casual interactions. A greeting, a brief conversation, or living in the same neighborhood is sometimes enough for someone to conclude that they “know” you.

Unfortunately, this assumption is deeply flawed. It is disturbing how confidently some people describe others they barely have a relationship with. They speak as though they share a household, history, or blood ties—offering detailed opinions and judgments about someone’s character, lifestyle, and intentions.

In many cases, these descriptions are far from the truth. This phenomenon is not new. It has existed for a long time, and its consequences have been devastating. Innocent people have lost marriages, business deals, friendships, and life-changing opportunities because of false narratives created by people who barely knew them—if at all.

I speak from personal experience. Someone I had never spoken to, never greeted, and never interacted with once described me negatively to a friend who was looking for me in my area. Thankfully, my friend knew me well and treated it as the first time anyone had asked about me.

Had it been someone meeting me for the first time, especially for business, that distorted description could have created a damaging impression before a single word was exchanged.

This raises a troubling question: What makes people think they know you so well? Is it because you smile at them? Because you greet them occasionally? Because you live in the same area or cross paths every morning?

A recent experience shared by a friend further illustrates this issue. He narrated how a neighbor he had lived alongside for over 20 years betrayed his trust. A colleague of his came to the neighborhood looking for him and asked this neighbor for directions. The moment his name was mentioned, the neighbor launched into a negative portrayal of him—describing him in ways that painted a damaging picture to someone meeting him for the first time.

When the colleague finally arrived, he said bluntly, “Your reputation in your neighborhood is bad.” Shocked, my friend asked why?. The colleague explained that if he had not known him personally, he would have believed everything he had been told. He concluded by saying the experience had taught him a valuable lesson: never judge someone by another person’s account.

The incident serves as a reminder that we are constantly being watched, assessed, and discussed—often by people who do not truly understand us. They form narratives about our movements, habits, and silence, without context or compassion.

It is painful that some people are so quick to ‘frame’ or ‘project’ others in ways that are unfair, inaccurate, and harmful. Pretending to know someone can be as dangerous as outright lying—and its effects can linger long after the words have been spoken.

Cynthia explained her ordeal by recounting a similar experience at her workplace. She said some colleagues spoke negatively about her to a close friend who had returned from abroad after 25 years. This was someone she had lived with for many years before he travelled outside Ghana, and they had remained in constant contact throughout his time away.

She had never mentioned him to anyone at her office, and no one there had ever seen them together. When he came to Ghana, he decided to surprise her by visiting her workplace. Instead of a warm reception, her colleagues fed him with unfounded and damaging stories about her.

Though shocked by their behavior, he remained silent and pretended it was his first time meeting her, claiming he had only come to seek some vital information. Unknown to them, they had already tarnished her reputation with needless talk.

Later, her friend disclosed everything to her and advised her to be cautious at the workplace and mindful of the kind of information she shares and with whom.

A psychologist explained that people often believe they know others simply because of familiarity, repeated exposure, or brief interactions. This is driven by the illusion of familiarity or projection, where seeing someone often is mistaken for understanding them. People also rely on cognitive shortcuts and commit the fundamental attribution error, judging others’ character without considering context. They see them as a treat their survival or they portray them in their own failure for others to see them as same.

Additionally, individuals may project their own traits or insecurities onto others, while gossip and social identity make people feel informed or important. To avoid uncertainty, the brain creates narratives even with little or no information.

Pretending to know someone is dangerous because it spreads false impressions, reinforces bias, and can harm reputations, relationships, and opportunities. True knowledge of a person requires time, context, empathy, and honest interaction—not assumptions. We must be careful of what we say about people.

Edith, a psychotherapist, explained that the situation arises from what is known as “projection.” She clarified that people often project their insecurities onto others, hoping that others will see them in the same negative light they view themselves. She gave an example: some people who want to start a business but are unable to succeed may criticize or undermine others who are doing well in similar ventures, effectively attempting to destroy what they themselves could not achieve.

Projection in psychology is a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or motives to someone else instead of acknowledging them in themselves.

The concept was first introduced by Sigmund Freud, the founder of Psychoanalysis. Freud explained that projection occurs when someone feels uncomfortable or threatened by certain emotions or traits, causing them to shift those feelings onto others. Some of the examples include: A dishonest person accusing others of lying. Someone who is angry claiming that others are hostile toward them. A jealous person accusing their partner of being jealous.

Nico believes that when someone projects negative narratives onto others, it often reflects their own failures in life. They want not only to see themselves as a failure but also to make others share in that perception. He suggests that when you are the target of such negative projection, it is important to view the situation carefully and take steps to improve any aspects of your own life that may need change.

We must learn to accept our failures, regroup, and move forward. Instead of projecting our frustrations onto others, we should seek guidance from people who share similar dreams and are succeeding, so we can learn from their experiences than project them negatively.

The author is a Media Consultant in Accra.

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