Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my family we are not too sure whether we are do fine. Senior, it is all because of this guy man who is force-skinning himself on us. Go, he won’t go, and we do not have the means to drive him out. I am referring to Kobby Nanti aka Colonial Virus aka Colombia Virus, the only Die-Die that Nana Onsurowuo stared in the eye and went backwards in freedom and in fear. Yes, he who told us that all dies are the one and same die, is today telling us that some die-dies are more superiorly supreme than other die-dies.
Senior, there is some news from the Omanhene’s palace. If you leak this to the general or major public, know that I will deny that I ever knew you ever existed.
Senior, you are aware that to confront Kobby Nanti the palace has told us to do a new long distance event called socialist-distancing, and I thought the Omanhene is a capitalist. He demands a wide gap between all homosapiens at all times in a way, as if each one is a city state on each of his or her own.
Senior, I am told that even at home there must be this socialist-distancing among parents and parents, children and children, parents and children at all times. This means that from then-forth onward to go, one child should sleep in the kitchen, the one who does not like bathing should be made to sleep in the bathroom, the one who also holds his tummy whenever he is about to be sent should occupy the toilet, father should sleep in the sitting room, and mother in the bedroom. If the children are more than three, then the corridor, store room, verandas, chicken coops and goats pens and pencils will all be occupied, so that next time man is borning he will born wisely.
Senior, this is the instruction from above, I mean from the Palace. But there was something to follow. Please, look over your shoulder to see whether someone is spying on the letter you are reading. If the coast is clear, then you can continue.
Senior, as you already know, the law is strict on socialist-distancing, and woe to the one who abuses or insults it. That fellow will be quarantined behind bars.
But Senior, there is something you do not know. The palace is sooner than later coming out with another law to deal with those who abused and insulted this law under cover of darkness. The best way to catch such transgressors is to wait till last moon of this year and the first three moons of next year.
But why wait till that long when most likely that the evidence would have been erased from the crime scene? Senior, the Omanhene is indeed a wisdom person. The evidence he will be looking forward to is that any woman who gets belly and born-borns during those moons under scrutiny, surely violated the socialist-distancing law and would be dealt with according to the laws of the village. In addition, the man who made her catch belly will also be dragged in front of the tall court judge to give reasons why disciplinary actions should not be taken against him. Because, how could he make someone catch belly without violating the socialist-distancing law?
Senior, now this is the big one. All pikins born during that period were illegally conceived, so they will be illegal immigrants. They shall not be registered as citizens or issued with visas on arrival, but will be quarantined in their mothers’ custody until the village determines which village they and their mothers will be deported to.
Senior, this is what is being discussed and endorsed in the Palace and waiting to be implemented in seven moons’ time; and some akupas who have put some daughters of Eve in the family road, have started relocating their GPS locations to the borders of the village, so that as soon as Nana Omanhene weight lifts the ban on travelling to and from the village, they will disappear into thin air.
Senior, I hear your grandson, Asembeba, is one of them; for news making circles, is that he has put at least five daughters of Eve in the family road, clearly demonstrating that he did not fear and respect the law on socialist-distancing, but one will say he fears the consequences of violating the same law.
Meanwhile, some of the daughters of Eve who have realised that their skins have turned are planning to plead that they were raped, should they be charged and dragged to court for violating, abusing and insulting the socialist-distancing law.
Senior, these ladies have set their own questions and come out with answers for that day in court.
“Yaa Afua Anita Owusu Brempong, can you explain to the court why you did not raise alarm when you were being raped?”
“Akura Opanin Judge, when I saw the masked man dangerously approaching me, I shouted and shouted and shouted and got too exhausted of shouting that I fell asleep, and that was how the man did the thing to me. In fact, everybody in the vicinity was in lockdown and quarantined so they could not come out, Akura Opanin Judge.”
“But, as you just said, there was lockdown and quarantining going on, so why did you come out?”
“Akura Opanin Judge, yes it is true. But I was sent by my late grandmother. Her ghost appeared to me in my dreams and instructed that I should go and tear some “ahaaban” in the bush and use it against Kobby Nanti. In obeying my late grandmother’s ghost, this thing happened to me.”
“I suppose you have a boyfriend!”
“Akura Opanin Judge, I don’t has. I am waiting to grow old small before I think of that thing. But, unfortunately, that thing happened to me before I could attain the age of consent and reasoning. Please, I am just an abofra, don’t mind my body.”
“How old are you?”
“I was born in the year Togbui Xornametor removed the khaki-khaki and put on ntama to be the Omanhene once again in our village.”
“Twenty-eight, you mean? My Lord, no further questions.”
“Veronica Adjovi Destiny Agbelimovor, can you explain to the court why you do not want to mention your boyfriend who got you pregnant?”
“Togbuigah Judge, the truth is, I was raped. I was feeling shy-shy to say it, but when I came here and I swore by Togbui Kpelekpedzi and Togbui Avuduavu, I know if I continue to lie they will kill me.”
“You swore by Jesus Christ as well, remember, and you are the first person ever to swear in court by the Holy Bible, Holy Qu’ran and local deities.”
“Togbuinye Papa Judge, as for Yesu, He does not kill by heart. But not the gods of our land, they do not joke at all. Togbuigah Efo Judge, I was raped. He was in mask and I felt too shy, so I did not shout. I only told him gently to finish quickly and go. I am the first person in our clan to be raped, and now I must suffer the shame. Hmmm. May the gods make his thing forever stand attention and never stand at ease.”
Senior, I think I am Dan, sorry I am Done. But remember not to breathe a word of this to anyone or else, I will swear, I never met you before.
It’s Me.
The post Letter to Senior Opupulepu (91): The Case of the Inborn Illegal Immigrants appeared first on The Chronicle Online.
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